Couples are searching for the end to conflict. The intersect for the issues that lead to contradictions and disputes is the very fascination that attracted us to our spouses in the first place.
Couples are looking for the connection and link between two backdrops of fundamental human needs. The need for security &safety, dependability & reliability, and not forgetting trustworthiness. Along with this comes loyalty and belonging. However we sit with this equally strong need, for adventure, novelty, the unknown, taking risks, discovery and exploration.
The moment we enter a relationship, we immediately find the need to negotiate our needs.
NEEDS NEEDS
Safety & Security Danger & Adventure
Connection & Dependence Freedom & Openness
Togetherness & Attachment Risk & inventiveness
Love & Tenderness Desire & Yearning
We find a partner whose appetites matches our weaknesses or dislikes. We're attracted to them because they bring to us the parts we fancy or think we want more of. This then leads to finding ourselves in conflict over the very thing we were attracted to in the first place.
In modern relationships we find that we are a lot freer yet a lot more alone because the word intimacy has changed its meaning radically. Intimacy used to mean sharing everyday life in closeness, understanding, affection and tenderness. Today, it means, "When I talk to you, lift your head out of your smart phone and look into my eyes". Not half mast, with one ear on me whilst you scroll through your phone, clicking on your focus. This means "when I talk to you, I am going to share my deepest thoughts, feelings, worries, and anxieties, my aspirations, and dreams, which will require your 100% focus". Intimacy means your partner will reveal and expose their inner world so you can validate and support them, momentarily reflecting on them and only them without your smartphone or social media.
Intimacy in modern relationships is changing daily. Couples are feeling isolated and have extraordinary expectations of each other than ever before. Social media has gives us a picturesque view of the expression of love that couples have for each other, yet you won’t even know that a couple has divorced or separated. This isolation was born from our exposure and sometimes obsession with social media which we all know is fake news when it comes to our personal lives.
Bridging loneliness in a relationship is a mountain peak we cannot reach. It feels unattainable and we have no sense of how others are coping with the very same issues. Are all couples experiencing this or are we unique in our bond with our smart phones.
There is a phenomenal intersection we find ourselves in. On the one hand a matching set of expectations, on the other, the expectation that one person needs to provide what previously an entire community did. Our partners are expected to be dependable, provide security, stability, and reliability, and parallel to that, they also need to offer excitement, awe and mystery, passion, danger and excitement. We have filled the bucket to the brim and the over-flow is not looking desirable.
For centuries, marriage was viewed as a practical arrangement between two families. What changed to make love the basis for the institution of marriage? We brought in the romance and companionship element, and now relationships exist based on self-actualisation.
We used to say that we left a marriage because we were unhappy, today we find we are leaving the marriage because we think we could be happier.
The Maslow ladder of needs shows us that instead of focusing on what’s wrong with people, a more positive account of human behavior should be the focus. What’s going right and fulfilling the human potential.
Motivation is grounded by people seeking fulfilment and change through personal growth. Self-actualized people are fulfilled and doing all they are capable of thus satisfying the need for personal growth and discovery which prevails throughout a person’s life.
In relationships what we need to keep in mind is that our partners are human and always “becoming” and should never have to remain static. We should all be constantly trying to find “the meaning of life” that is important to US.
This distinctive and unique motivation for self-actualization, however, leads us down different paths, through art, sport, different passions or work and hobbies. These are measured through peak experiences and occurs when a person experiences the world totally for what it is, and their feelings of euphoria, joy, and wonder are heightened by something other than our partners. It’s important to note that self-actualization is a continual process of becoming rather than a perfect state one reaches of “happily ever after”.
Rarely do couples seek counselling to determine what’s wrong with them personally. Counselling is becoming more of a drop off zone, where couples tend to want to tell the counsellor what’s wrong with their partner. They convey to the therapist what to fix in their partner.
Relationships that are complete and striving for perfection, where partners who take responsibility for their stake. Spouses that own their accountability. If you find yourself wanting to change your spouse, CHANGE YOURSELF!
It is 100% safe to take responsibility for your actions. Successful relationships are those that stretch the two sets of human needs: that of connection and freedom. It’s the relate between the two. Lay a foundation of belonging but build a space for becoming. Thats the space where you can express, articulate, and grow. If you can find a happy overlap between the anchor and waves, you have the best approach for a well-structured relationship and rapport.
We should strive for stability but create room for variation and alteration. You also will need hierarchy, discipline, structure, and organisation, but too much of it will ensure nothing moves causing rigidity. Too little however, leads to dysregulation, confusion, and chaos. This is a fundamental dance that we perform as couples, engaging two polarities. This performance will lead couples to bliss, ecstasy, enjoyment, and longevity.
Beverley Frazier
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