The Rest Is Still Unwritten

Your Love Story is not over!!

Today is where your book begins!! 

Our Life Story is a co-creation.  It’s not created by just one person.  The way we speak is influenced by the way we listen.  The way I see myself is influenced by the way you see me.

Humans are social creatures, wired for connection.  We don’t survive well alone.  This social dependence on others can create interactions that trigger emotions ranging from utter bliss to utter grief.

Ultimately, the quality of our relationships will determine the quality of our lives.  It showcases how we will be remembered by the people in our lives.  The manner in which we subsist inside our family and friends narrates our story, giving meaning to how we have showed up for others. 

How we feel about ourselves is fundamental to a healthy relationship.  Everybody wants to know that they matter in our lives because we are creatures of self-worth, which is core to scripting our life story.  This sense of importance and significance fuels harmony, disharmony, and repair. 

Connection, disconnection, and reconnection maneuvers the rhythm of our associations.  There are no perfect couples, except the fake happiness that exists on digital platforms.  Staying true to ourselves overcomes this tremendous pressure to prove our perfect relationship.  “Perfect” is less believable though, because Society tends to gain a lot more from a story that features adversity, discomfort, and grief. 

The notion of having to love yourself first before entering a relationship is not entirely factual.  We also discover ourselves and our spouses through our interactions with others.  Ultimately our footprint will be determined by what we represent and the legacy we leave behind.  Our distinctiveness is a combination of how we see ourselves, echoed by how others see us.  Being cognisant of this awareness bears upon our spouses and those nearest and dearest to us.

Idioms like “That’s how she is!”, “That’s how he is” are frequent in casual or unconstrained conversation.  How often though, do we stop to ask, “Is that not how they are just with me? 

Eric Berne writes in the Games People Play, “We are not the same person with everyone”.  We are not just one person all the time.  We possess core characteristics, but we are shaped by our relationships.  We make the relationship, and the relationship makes us.  This bond and affiliation are the dynamic between you and me.  It’s the space in between us.  It's what we do to and for each other that extracts a selection of virtues and personas that define a connection. 

And “Just Like That”, the space in-between You and I = The Relationship!!

 This definition provides a very different way of thinking.  Instead of two people entering a relationship, we are together for what we bring to each other.

The questions beg, “Do you love me?’, “Are you happy?”, “Am I fulfilled?”, “Do I love my job?”, “Do I belong?”  Lingering somewhere, is always a reckoning, “Could there be something better out there?”.  This proves inherently problematic when in committed relationships.  The expectations of modern relationships are unprecedented.  We used to marry for survival, now we marry for love.  We used to follow Maslow’s hierarchical ladder of basic needs, which underpinned economic support, family, children, and companionship.  Now the foundation of relationships is Love.  Love is now the front-runner to belonging, connection, intimacy, and feelings, creating an “Identity Economy” by way of relationships. 

We are constantly aiming to be the best version of ourselves, striving to synch our hopes and beliefs, forcing us to climb higher and higher.  Have you climbed Mount Everest?  The view is amazing and breath taking, but the air is also thinner and not everybody gets up there, so its lonely.  In relationships we need to balance the climbing with the grounding.

We used to live in communities, which relationships formed part of.  Only a few basic needs were met by our spouses.  The rest were provided by our siblings (of which there were many), our community, our priests, extended family and neighbours.  Currently, “belonging”, “connection”, “specialness”, “intimacy and sexuality” (all our needs) is expected from one person, our spouse.  We are now asking our partners/spouses to be what once an entire community delivered.  A tall order for a party of two. 

The rise of expectations has taken place.  The rewrite is that sex used to be for procreation, hence descended from big families.  Now we have only two or three children at best, illustrating that sexuality in the 21st century equals connection, pleasure, and intimacy. 

We used to marry in our late teens, early 20’s.  Today we marry in our late 20s early 30s.  We now meet our partners “ready-made”.  We are striving for our spouses to recognize how hard we’ve worked at crafting ourselves. 

Divorce was taboo.  “Till death do us part” has become “Marry till love dies”.  Major transformations have evolved in our adult relationships.  Happiness used to belong to the heavens, now its earthly.  Happiness was a possibility, now it’s a mandatory obligation, it’s an entitlement.  We must be happy, or we’re doing something wrong. This is the burden we carry around when we are exposed to happy relationships on web-based social networks.

Relationships are not a “One-size-fits-all”.  Marriages and relationships are completely distinct, contrasted by backgrounds, orientations, and cultural differences.  There is no “one model” and if you didn't succeed, it doesn’t mean you failed.  Your story doesn’t have to be over.  Reinvent your relationship. Begin again.  Start writing differently.  When you change your story, you change your experience.

Don’t expect to change your partner if you cannot change yourself.  Like Newton’s third law, “every action has a reaction”.  Change yourself and inevitably, transformations will unfold around you.  You could be waiting a long time for your spouse to change, but at any given moment you can be the change.  Do something different that changes the story for the both of you. 

This dynamic interplay involves Listening.  In relationships the best way to talk is to listen.  You don’t have to agree, but you can give your spouse’s point a view that creates space and validity.  There is never just one experience in a relationship.  There are multiple points of views coexisting at the same time.  It’s the beauty of a connections.

Eat dessert first.  Never delay play, pleasure, joy, and fun for the end.  These are incredibly important experiences of life amidst crises.  Never postpone loving and laughing.  It’s fundamental to our humanity amid degradation.  We don’t have to be serious, efficient machines to get through life.  Staying connected to nature, beauty, joy, and laughter will lead us to sensuality, hopefulness, and possibility.  A love-story, where the rest is still unwritten.

Beverley Frazier